Long Live - Kind of Love #2

 

We spend most of our lives wondering what true love really feels like. Some think you can find it with a partner, others with family, etc. For me, it is when you feel that someone honestly values you for what you are. I had been suffering for approximately six months when my heart really started being completely healed. 

As someone who overthinks a lot, I know what it is to deal with bad thoughts on a daily basis. However, my therapist taught me how to understand that thoughts are only that: thoughts, nothing else. Nothing is too bad, nothing is the end of the world. When someone leaves you or doesn't value you, it's not the end of the world, you'll just become more resilient and then you won't care about that, hehe.

When I was suffering because a person I really loved didn't love me nor appreciated me back, I decided to shift my focus to the kids I was teaching... and that was the best decision I've taken in a while. Working with kids is not easy, though. Sometimes they can really get on your nerves, but most of the time they are really cute and you don't get bored. 

I remember their faces the day I told them I will go to Korea to study my master's... They were so sad but they made the rest of the month very enjoyable. On my last day, they prepared a little party for me, they knew I love blue so they put some blue fringe ornament on top of the door... They surprised me with a bunch of beautiful pink roses, candy, letters and gifts made by them. They took their time to write good wishes to me, to draw some beautiful things for me, to tell their parents they wanted to give me a present. When I played with them the last time and they threw me on the grass and hugged me, I felt so lucky. When other people didn't appreciate me, my kids were so happy to have me there and play with my hair.

How beautiful was life to bring them to me, to let me experience true love through every smile and hug they gave me. These kids just healed my heart without even realizing they did it. Kids are honest, they love you and they don't care if you're cute, ugly, poor, rich or whatever. They just loved me for being me and even though my heart hurts because I'm leaving them, I'm so blessed to have shared time with them. 

For me, you receive true love when someone appreciates you for what you are. When they don't care what you have, how look like... When they love you for you. 

If you (any of my kids) reads this someday, thank you for loving me and I love you too. Thank you for healing my heart and being such beautiful rays of light to this world. I hope you accomplish big dreams and have a good life because you deserve it. I love you so so so much. I hope you listen to Long Live by Taylor Swift and feel as excited as you felt the first time you heard it when I left. 

I will remember you and love you forever.

Long Live, all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you.

-Miss Laura. :3

Enchanted

 I am aware that I've been writing about sad stuff lately... That's the way I was feeling but ok. Today, I want to talk about something that happened to me approximately two weeks ago, I just hadn't found the time to translate it into words so here I go.

The social crisis in my country exploded a couple of months ago due to the government's poor management of everything, basically. This led to many difficulties in transportation due to the riots and all that stuff. 

It was a Monday afternoon when I was coming home from having lunch with my friend Gee but time flew because time flies when you spend it with nice people, so it was pretty late when I was on my way home and the bus couldn't bring me to my station because of the riots in this part of the city. After some time trying to catch a bus, I could finally take one. 

When I was able to get in the bus, I went to the back and as soon as I sat on the stairs, I heard a male voice that told me "I'll sit with you". At first, I was like "o....k?" hahaha. So this guy started talking to me and he seemed nice, he was like three years younger than me and he told me what his job was, his name, etc. We started making jokes and talking about the situation and all of that. I guess some car accidents had happened that day because the bus was so slow, it was awful and it was already very dark outside. We had been in the bus for like, an hour, and I was about to leave that bus and walk or something...

The problem is that when I caught the bus, I thought it was going to my neighborhood but it didn't, it started to go further and further from my house and I was so worried because I don't really know this part of the city although I live here... I don't like living here so I almost never go out.

I told him I was very worried and he tried to give me directions about the place where we were... but the worst happened: I got lost. I guess he saw the concerned expression in my eyes and he offered to leave the bus with me and guide me until I recognized a place from where I could go home. I accepted because that was the only option I had, there weren't any taxi cabs or anything, I was feeling so lost and stupid.

We left the bus and when he stood on my side I realized he was so tall and handsome, hahaha. His skin was white, he had brown eyes and short wavy brown hair. He offered me his arm and I don't know why but I took it, hahaha, you shouldn't trust people on the street but he was so nice and cool! He told me he had been living in the neighborhood for more than 10 years and that he had his mother and his sister and he wouldn't like them to get lost as I was. Many men should take notes and be like this handsome gentleman. 

We continued with our conversation as we were walking towards my neighborhood and I realized that that fucking bus left me too far away! We walked for like, 40 minutes and I was still lost! Good thing, we were walking on the sidewalks and he made me change to the other side so he was the one walking next to the cars, he gave me his hand to walk down some stairs and all, it felt so nice. 

The conversation we had was nice and fun and he was such a cool person and a true gentleman. He brought me all the way to my neighborhood and he never made a bad comment of anything, he complimented me and told me I was pretty in such a polite way. I am glad that good people like him still exist, I am glad that there are still true gentlemen out there.

We just came to the point where I knew the place so I could go home and I thanked him because I had been so scared in that situation, it was horrible to feel that lost. I wished him well and so did he and we shook hands and said goodbye. However, I was "wonderstruck, blushing all the way home", as Taylor sings in Enchanted. 

These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon: 

"I was Enchanted to meet you".

-L

The importance of not giving a fuck

 We have been always taught to care. 

"Pay attention to what people says about you", says your mother.

"Pay attention to every signal a person gives you so you know what their intentions are", says your bestie.

And so on.

However, I think that sometimes it is pretty important not to care, but not only that, not giving a fuck can help you a lot when getting out of a dark place. 

Being an oversensitive ass woman has led me to have my heart broken more than a couple of times, but today, I'm going to focus on how I got over some shitty, medium ugly, mediocre men who made me suffer even having those features (intelligent women sometimes commit mistakes, I know, I know). 

The truth is that heartbreak sucks, let alone all the hurting you have to endure only to realize at the end that they didn't deserve all the attention you gave them and the tears you cried. It sucks to be sitting on the floor listening to Last Kiss by Taylor Swift, trying to understand everything while they are probably talking to other women who are probably as mediocre as them, or worse, talking to intelligent women who end up giving them a chance just to get backstabbed just as you did.

The worst part is when there's nothing left but sadness because you really loved them but they act as if nothing ever happened between you two, which mistakenly leads you to think that you weren't good enough when the reality is that you cannot expect an ordinary and immature man to understand the sincerity and love you gave him. 

Every person gives what they have, so you should feel good or bad accordingly. 

After many breakup songs, pinterest quotes and conversations with good friends, I realized that if you gave them love, genuine interest and affection, you shouldn't feel bad. If they mind-twisted you and then showed you their true colors, they are the ones who should carry the emotional baggage of the situation, not you. They probably won't do it now or in a long time, but all you should do is NOT. GIVE. A. SINGLE. FUCK.

After these breakups, there was a moment in which I really felt the heaviness leaving my body and soul, and that was when I started not giving a single fuck about them. And this is not fast, if you're an oversensitive ass like me, it's not gonna be fast or easy at all, but there's this moment when you're tired of crying and clinging onto a situationship that's not gonna bring you more than frustration and sadness... but it stops, there's really a moment when something changes inside of you and you can finally start to not give a fuck. However, you should put all your effort into maintaining that state of not-giving-a-fucking-ness, and I'll tell you how.

Disclaimer: I'm not an expert as I have only had to get over two assholes, but I guess this is gonna help someone. Or at least you'll entertain yourself reading my stuff.

• Do all the crying and complaining you need, give yourself time to heal, listen to Red by Taylor Swift while you cry and then good 4 u by Olivia Rodrigo while you imagine you punch them in the face, pray to God and ask him to remove all the heaviness and sadness from your heart, but don't let this sadness extend for too long. Discover how you can heal and put your heart and soul in it. 

• When somebody tells you anything about them: tell them you don't want to know, tell them that this guy is dead for you. You'll protect yourself from unwanted news about those pieces of crap, AND you're not supposed to give a fuck, so take it seriously. You can do it.

• BLOCK their dusty ass on all your social media platforms. Or in case they've blocked you, DO NOT STALK THEM. If you do it, the process is going to take longer. Besides, who wants to see ugly stupid men? Not seeing what they're up to is going to help you a lot. Remember, they're dead for you, they're irrelevant and mediocre, they don't exist.

• Don't talk about them anymore. If you talk about them constantly with your close ones, you'll remember good and bad things, and we don't want that, we are not giving a fuck. Remember?

• You don't need their closure. All the closure you needed came in the form of ghosting and disrespect towards you and your feelings. I remember when my first ex came like, six months later after we had broken up to "explain me the reasons why". Like, why would I want to hear all that bullshit when I literally had forgotten that he existed? The audacity.

• Work on your personal growth. Grow that booty, study, invest time in the people who truly loves you, get that master's degree scholarship and remind yourself that you're a thousand levels over them and they were just a mistake you'll never allow to happen again because you'll love yourself enough to not let these things happen. 

If you've read until here, thank you and I hope this thing helps you feel better. For me, it's very therapeutic and even though I call these guys names, I truly loved them before and I'm sure I'll forgive them someday. But now, I have to focus on healing and continue building my marvelous path. Queen energy only.

You're going to hear some big news from me soon. ;)

-L

Strangers

 

It took me more than a month and a half to come back here because many things have happened since then. I am basically in a moment when I am about to achieve one of the biggest dreams of my life but I am just living while waiting for a confirmation. I wouldn't say I feel sad, or yes, sometimes I do, but to be honest, every day feels weird.

I was cleaning my phone today and found some screenshots from conversations with a person who used to be important to me... Sometimes I look through my window to the direction this person lives and I don't know what to feel anymore. Sometimes I ask myself if I am guilty of all of this, or if this wasn't the right timing, or if everything was supposed to fail since the very beginning. Sometimes everything goes wrong, no matter how much you try, sometimes you just try too much but you know you won't get anything from someone who doesn't give a fuck about you or your feelings. 

I can't count how many times I have overanalyzed what happened and still find myself guilty for opening the door to someone who never had any good intentions with me, I thought I knew this person but certainly, I didn't at all. I guess I made a priority out of someone who just took me like an option. 

Have you ever felt so much with someone but at the end you're just strangers again?

No matter how much love you want to offer someone, sometimes they just deserve your absence. 

No matter how many diamonds you have for someone, sometimes they prefer the stones on the dirty side of the road. 

And it's okay. 

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much you want to make it work with someone, no matter how good your intentions are, how much you appreciate them... when it's not them, it's not them. It doesn't matter how much chemistry you have when you are together. Love is like grass, it grows when you water it... guess it only grew on my side of the fence. However, you cannot water it forever and wait for it to grow if you don't find commitment from the other person, that's why I decided to build a taller fence and walk away.

Being true to myself, I prefer to have a coffee every afternoon and be sad for a while than waiting for someone to appreciate me. I guess I deserve better than a dude that is "too busy" to send a message and has plenty of ordinary and cheap-looking women in his options. 

Well, after all, at least I'm sure I still have a good heart and that my intentions were pure and good. I haven't lost any value. My heart hasn't lost any value. Something big is coming my way and I guess I have to be fully open to that rather than worrying about someone who acts like he doesn't have a heart. Someone who just can't apologize for his wrongdoings. Someone who sees being vulnerable and honest like a weakness.

I can literally feel the next chapter of my life coming soon... I'll focus on that from now on. I've been working for that for the last four years of my life, so now I'll just sit and enjoy the rewards of my hard work. I deserve it. I deserve to be happy.

-L

May your heart remain breakable... but never by the same hand twice.

When something or someone isn't serving me anymore I ask myself: "would Beyoncé put up with this shit?" and then I walk away. 

I guess there are some moments in life when our worth is questioned by others so we can learn to truly appreciate all the effort and passion we have put into building ourselves up. It's obvious that we aren't supposed to be liked by absolutely everyone, but people who make you question your own worth don't deserve a spot in your life. You can love them so much, but sometimes loving them won't stop them from wanting to make you feel miserable. In fact, the way they act to you speaks more of what they really have inside than the real measure of your worth. I decided to give a strong opening to this post because this is what it is going to be about: strength. 

Someone I used to admire and appreciate as a man, told me a couple of days ago that the price to be with me was too high, and I didn't know if I should have felt flattered or offended. Truth first, I felt both ways. 

Why flattered? Because that means I am worth the risk, I am not the kind of woman you find every two minutes on the street. I have built myself and the things I have from scratch and I am not mediocre.

Why offended? Because he basically told me on my face that he wasn't going to pay the price to be with me. He wasn't willing to put the commitment, effort and love that a woman like me is worth for. 

That's when I go back to the opening phrase of this post: "would Beyoncé put up with this shit?" The answer is NO. Beyoncé is one of my role models in life. She is independent, talented, beautiful and basically built her own empire by combining those three characteristics she has. She doesn't need anyone to be happy. I want to be like her.

I may not be Beyoncé, but I know my worth because I have paid dearly every ounce of it. I have sacrificed myself a lot and I'm willing to continue doing so, I work on myself, I give my best to the ones I love... I don't deserve any kind of half-ass love from a half-ass man. Guess he's worth a half-ass girl as well. 

I feel so satisfied to have told him that you get what you are willing to pay for. If you are a warm-hearted person with good intentions, committed and consistent, you will get someone who matches your effort. If you are mediocre, not empathetic at all, pedantic and casually cruel in the name of being honest, you're never going to get a good person. As that old saying states: "you get what you are". You decide if that excites you or scares you.

I am willing to receive only the kind of love I am willing to give; which is complete, committed and consistent. I don't expect anything less than that, and the person who is not willing to give me that and instead wants to make me feel unworthy of love, can perfectly fuck off from my life. It applies to friendships, but more than that: to those arrogant and irrelevant AF "men".

Remember: once I close the door, I throw the key forever. 

-L

Evanescence

Everything comes to an end. We are often very reluctant to accept this but there's always a situation that makes us change our mind. Or at least, that's what happened to me some time ago. 

Yesterday, I had to do some stuff which made me go out. Then, the plans with my best friend got cancelled so I decided to stop by a park I really like here in my city. I bought an iced vanilla latte which I'm a huge fan of and then sat on the grass alone to breathe some fresh air while thinking about this specific moment of my life, the goals I have, the class planning I have left, the guy I like. I stared at the sky, at the people passing by, at their dogs and the cars in the street. I was just staring at everything until I noticed that one thing was missing, and it was the restaurant where I shared many memories with someone who meant so much to me but now means nothing but a bad dream. 

It was May 2019 and I was hanging out with some friends, we had made a nice photoshoot and I still love the portraits we were able to produce that day, I felt proud of my modeling skills, haha. Time went by so fast and by the time we finished it was 10pm, I think. I got a call from my boyfriend at that time and he told me his parents were out of town, then offered to buy me dinner and took me with him in the car that night. Of course, I accepted, and it was one of the best nights of my life. We went to the restaurant and we ate burgers and fries like pigs, and we laughed so much about some stupid stuff we had always laughed about, we felt genuinely happy. When we broke up, I used to cry every time I remembered that place, and I couldn't pass by that place for some months, it was just so difficult for me, my sensitive ass couldn't take it. 

Going back to yesterday, when I saw that the place had gotten demolished and absolutely nothing is left, I couldn't avoid stating an analogy in my mind: nothing from that place is left as well as nothing is left in my heart, nothing for him. Everything just evanesced.

When we are in love, we have that naive tendency of thinking that those romantic and happy moments will last forever, but it almost never happens like that, I learned it the hard way. No one is perfect and sometimes patience leaves the equation, love leaves the equation or worse, greed and jealousy enter the equation. It's somehow mournful to think that the hatred you end feeling for someone can be much bigger than the love you once felt for them. And then, when time goes by and life continues, you come to a point where you just don't feel anything. Now you see them passing by and you're just strangers with memories, but it doesn't hurt. You just don't feel anything else anymore.

Everything comes to an end. Everything comes to an evanescence.

-L

Kind Of Love #1

These days, one particular thought has caught my attention. There are many kinds of love depending on the person who gives it to you... and that's why I've decided to make a series on this blog called 'Kind Of Love', which I think could be a suitable name for the book I am planning to write as well, why not?

Anyways, today's Kind Of Love composition goes to an old friend of mine -and not arguably, the best.

This beautiful girl was born on January 21st, 1996, exactly 42 days after I was born, and honestly, we've been friends for such a long time that I don't even remember how we met, I guess we were still babies, LOL. 

Since she was little, she was pretty eloquent and cute, I remember her red cheeks every time she used to tell me things about her dolls. She shared all her toys with me when my grandma used to take me to her house (her mom and my grandma have been friends for many years).

When we were teenagers, I remember how she ran everywhere just after coming home from school. I used to see her playing sports in the park with some friends, red cheeks again. This was such a funny stage of our lives because I got scolded a couple of times because of her craziness but we laughed a lot with stuff like a Shakira doll guitar, when we liked Emo stuff, when we made some shitty ice cream in a rooftop at my grandparent's house, when I threw myself with an umbrella from a that same rooftop and fucked my foot and she "took care" of me...

As adults, we are not there for each other talking shit everyday... but we are for each other when we have to be. She is the person who knows my deepest insecurities and fears, yet I know I can trust her more than anyone. She is such an honest, humble and beautiful person. Even though she's very beautiful on the outside with her fit body and beautiful eye smile and freckles, she's even more beautiful on the inside.

She's the friend who loves you for who you are.

She's the friend who helps you without condition.

She's the friend who shares her things with those who need them.

She's the friend without prejudice.

She's the friend with a big heart.

She's the friend who makes room in her own bed if you need it.

She's the friend who makes delicious foods for you (And this is such a big expression of selflessness and love).

She's the friend who calls people "stupid" when they try to wrong you.

She's the friend who tells you the truth with honesty and respect even when you don't want to hear it.

And I could continue on and on with all the memories I have with her, but today, I want to celebrate her life and be thankful for having known her and being part of her life as she is so important for me too.

Thank you for your friendship, your sincerity, your selflessness, your delicious food and your beautiful vibe and sense of independence. You inspire me to do better and I know I'm not the only one.

Happy Birthday, Nata, I love you so much. 

-L