2020 is coming to an end... it was good for some, bad for some more but one thing is for sure: we all learned from it.
I wouldn't say it was precisely a good year... actually, I had to deal with some emotional issues I've had from a long time ago. I'm still dealing with them but at least I'm doing it better than before. It is never comfortable to face your fears and sadness but it can lead to a better understanding of your own heart and emotions.
Being quarantined almost all year long led me to know myself better and I also ended up talking again to friends I hadn't talked to in ages! Now we talk on a daily basis and that makes me happy.
On the other hand, being home alone led me to feel so alone sometimes, that I ended up seeking for company in people who didn't really care about me. I learned to believe in actions and not in words. A person can easily tell you a million things and promise you the moon, but for me, what counts is what they really DO for you. If they say they miss you, they should show it, they know where you live, they know you would be glad with their presence, but still they prefer not to put the minimum effort to see you. Thus, they don't miss you, it's all lies or they're just lazy, guess I'll never know.
Furthermore, they tell you things like "You're worth it so much" but they don't really appreciate what you do for them, in my case, the texts I write for them, the songs that make me think about them... they just don't give a fuck. Pay attention to this: If they did, they would have shown it, if they really appreciated you, they would have seen the good things you have instead of not having a single bit of forgiveness for the things you did wrong, even when they know you didn't have any intentions of making them feel bad, even when you tried your best to apologize and fix your mistakes, even when they have known you for a long time and they know the kind of person you are, even when you have been trying to express your feeling in the best way possible in order to make everything clear... They just don't have the intention to forgive you, they just don't care about losing you.
My therapist told me I've demonstrated one more time that I'm very eager to give my best to the people I love, and that it is normal to feel sad after losing someone you loved. I just feel like I gave presents to someone and they all were thrown to the trashcan. But you know what? Now that I think about it, my presents could have been thrown away just like that, but that doesn't diminish their value. I think the gift of my love is still so valuable, I just haven't found the person who appreciates it. Maybe that person didn't deserve that romantic part of me.
Sometimes I've asked myself: If I was able to accept him and like him the way he was, why couldn't he accept me the way I am? That's when I realized all his "you're worth it so much" speech was just bullshit.
I'm not saying I'm perfect in any way, I commit mistakes all the time and I committed some bad mistakes with that person, but still, I think my good side is way bigger and I tried to show it so bad but he didn't see it... or he just didn't want to see it. I felt like talking to a wall, I felt like my feelings were being wasted and overlooked... I was being taken for granted. I don't even want to be friends with someone like that. Someone who sees others' mistakes but doesn't acknowledge his is not worth my time, let alone my love, affection and presents. It hasn't been easy for me because I care about him, but if I have to stop caring just as he did, I will and I won't look back.
Let's hope 2021 brings better experiences... and better people.
PS: If you read this, you know Who you are.
-L
