the 1

 "You know the greatest films of all time were never made"

To be honest, I didn't really like this song the first time I heard it (the 1 by Taylor Swift). Like many things and people in my life, it just grew on me. Just like the person who inspired me to write this. 

Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try, some things are just not supposed to work? 

Some things in life are coincidences and we have a tendency to think they are supposed to be something more, but at the end, they're not. 

We met five years ago in college, we had some abilities in common. I have to admit that he's an intelligent person even though I used to hate him in that moment. We had a couple of interactions in class, but nothing else. I wasn't interested in having a friendship with him. Then, all of a sudden, he entered the same classroom where I was in Seoul, August 2016, I think. The first thing that came to my mind was "what is HE doing here?" but then everything went with the flow and we built a nice friendship. Nothing more than that. Later that year, we sang a song together in front of a crowd and it was nice. Still friends, nothing had gone wrong by that moment and we had become a little bit closer. Time went by and we just lived our lives on a different path each other until life crossed our paths again. 

It is funny to think how at the end of the day you can end up liking someone who you didn't even determine at the beginning, and it is incredible how everything can go wrong with just a couple of words and decisions. I have a couple of questions (or more) I make myself these days more than ever:

How can something be heaven and hell at the same time?

Heaven because of the chemistry we for sure had but hell because we really didn't understand each other... I am a handful, I am overdramatic and he's not patient enough for someone like me. I don't blame him, I don't know what he could have been through.

If I hadn't been hurt the way I've been before him, would I take everything less seriously and stop overthinking and getting desperate so much?

Had we had something before I was like this, maybe everything wouldn't be fucked up the way it is now?

Had I been less impulsive, would everything be okay in this moment?

Had he understood me and the reasons why I react in such a bad way, would it be enough?

I guess there are some questions that will never have an answer. Hence, some circumstances will never have a proper closure. Some things are just supposed to fail, some people aren't supposed to be together. Some of the greatest things are not supposed to happen, as ironic as it sounds. I guess I'll always ask myself what would've happened if the timing was right, if we were right for each other.

If one thing had been different would everything be different today?

-L