May your heart remain breakable... but never by the same hand twice.

When something or someone isn't serving me anymore I ask myself: "would Beyoncé put up with this shit?" and then I walk away. 

I guess there are some moments in life when our worth is questioned by others so we can learn to truly appreciate all the effort and passion we have put into building ourselves up. It's obvious that we aren't supposed to be liked by absolutely everyone, but people who make you question your own worth don't deserve a spot in your life. You can love them so much, but sometimes loving them won't stop them from wanting to make you feel miserable. In fact, the way they act to you speaks more of what they really have inside than the real measure of your worth. I decided to give a strong opening to this post because this is what it is going to be about: strength. 

Someone I used to admire and appreciate as a man, told me a couple of days ago that the price to be with me was too high, and I didn't know if I should have felt flattered or offended. Truth first, I felt both ways. 

Why flattered? Because that means I am worth the risk, I am not the kind of woman you find every two minutes on the street. I have built myself and the things I have from scratch and I am not mediocre.

Why offended? Because he basically told me on my face that he wasn't going to pay the price to be with me. He wasn't willing to put the commitment, effort and love that a woman like me is worth for. 

That's when I go back to the opening phrase of this post: "would Beyoncé put up with this shit?" The answer is NO. Beyoncé is one of my role models in life. She is independent, talented, beautiful and basically built her own empire by combining those three characteristics she has. She doesn't need anyone to be happy. I want to be like her.

I may not be Beyoncé, but I know my worth because I have paid dearly every ounce of it. I have sacrificed myself a lot and I'm willing to continue doing so, I work on myself, I give my best to the ones I love... I don't deserve any kind of half-ass love from a half-ass man. Guess he's worth a half-ass girl as well. 

I feel so satisfied to have told him that you get what you are willing to pay for. If you are a warm-hearted person with good intentions, committed and consistent, you will get someone who matches your effort. If you are mediocre, not empathetic at all, pedantic and casually cruel in the name of being honest, you're never going to get a good person. As that old saying states: "you get what you are". You decide if that excites you or scares you.

I am willing to receive only the kind of love I am willing to give; which is complete, committed and consistent. I don't expect anything less than that, and the person who is not willing to give me that and instead wants to make me feel unworthy of love, can perfectly fuck off from my life. It applies to friendships, but more than that: to those arrogant and irrelevant AF "men".

Remember: once I close the door, I throw the key forever. 

-L

Evanescence

Everything comes to an end. We are often very reluctant to accept this but there's always a situation that makes us change our mind. Or at least, that's what happened to me some time ago. 

Yesterday, I had to do some stuff which made me go out. Then, the plans with my best friend got cancelled so I decided to stop by a park I really like here in my city. I bought an iced vanilla latte which I'm a huge fan of and then sat on the grass alone to breathe some fresh air while thinking about this specific moment of my life, the goals I have, the class planning I have left, the guy I like. I stared at the sky, at the people passing by, at their dogs and the cars in the street. I was just staring at everything until I noticed that one thing was missing, and it was the restaurant where I shared many memories with someone who meant so much to me but now means nothing but a bad dream. 

It was May 2019 and I was hanging out with some friends, we had made a nice photoshoot and I still love the portraits we were able to produce that day, I felt proud of my modeling skills, haha. Time went by so fast and by the time we finished it was 10pm, I think. I got a call from my boyfriend at that time and he told me his parents were out of town, then offered to buy me dinner and took me with him in the car that night. Of course, I accepted, and it was one of the best nights of my life. We went to the restaurant and we ate burgers and fries like pigs, and we laughed so much about some stupid stuff we had always laughed about, we felt genuinely happy. When we broke up, I used to cry every time I remembered that place, and I couldn't pass by that place for some months, it was just so difficult for me, my sensitive ass couldn't take it. 

Going back to yesterday, when I saw that the place had gotten demolished and absolutely nothing is left, I couldn't avoid stating an analogy in my mind: nothing from that place is left as well as nothing is left in my heart, nothing for him. Everything just evanesced.

When we are in love, we have that naive tendency of thinking that those romantic and happy moments will last forever, but it almost never happens like that, I learned it the hard way. No one is perfect and sometimes patience leaves the equation, love leaves the equation or worse, greed and jealousy enter the equation. It's somehow mournful to think that the hatred you end feeling for someone can be much bigger than the love you once felt for them. And then, when time goes by and life continues, you come to a point where you just don't feel anything. Now you see them passing by and you're just strangers with memories, but it doesn't hurt. You just don't feel anything else anymore.

Everything comes to an end. Everything comes to an evanescence.

-L

Kind Of Love #1

These days, one particular thought has caught my attention. There are many kinds of love depending on the person who gives it to you... and that's why I've decided to make a series on this blog called 'Kind Of Love', which I think could be a suitable name for the book I am planning to write as well, why not?

Anyways, today's Kind Of Love composition goes to an old friend of mine -and not arguably, the best.

This beautiful girl was born on January 21st, 1996, exactly 42 days after I was born, and honestly, we've been friends for such a long time that I don't even remember how we met, I guess we were still babies, LOL. 

Since she was little, she was pretty eloquent and cute, I remember her red cheeks every time she used to tell me things about her dolls. She shared all her toys with me when my grandma used to take me to her house (her mom and my grandma have been friends for many years).

When we were teenagers, I remember how she ran everywhere just after coming home from school. I used to see her playing sports in the park with some friends, red cheeks again. This was such a funny stage of our lives because I got scolded a couple of times because of her craziness but we laughed a lot with stuff like a Shakira doll guitar, when we liked Emo stuff, when we made some shitty ice cream in a rooftop at my grandparent's house, when I threw myself with an umbrella from a that same rooftop and fucked my foot and she "took care" of me...

As adults, we are not there for each other talking shit everyday... but we are for each other when we have to be. She is the person who knows my deepest insecurities and fears, yet I know I can trust her more than anyone. She is such an honest, humble and beautiful person. Even though she's very beautiful on the outside with her fit body and beautiful eye smile and freckles, she's even more beautiful on the inside.

She's the friend who loves you for who you are.

She's the friend who helps you without condition.

She's the friend who shares her things with those who need them.

She's the friend without prejudice.

She's the friend with a big heart.

She's the friend who makes room in her own bed if you need it.

She's the friend who makes delicious foods for you (And this is such a big expression of selflessness and love).

She's the friend who calls people "stupid" when they try to wrong you.

She's the friend who tells you the truth with honesty and respect even when you don't want to hear it.

And I could continue on and on with all the memories I have with her, but today, I want to celebrate her life and be thankful for having known her and being part of her life as she is so important for me too.

Thank you for your friendship, your sincerity, your selflessness, your delicious food and your beautiful vibe and sense of independence. You inspire me to do better and I know I'm not the only one.

Happy Birthday, Nata, I love you so much. 

-L

Things we don't see

Lately, I've been thinking about the things we don't notice or see in ourselves but other people do. Sometimes, we are so deep into our insecurities and fears that we don't see the good things we have, and I'm not talking about money or material stuff, I'm talking about other type of stuff. 

One day I was feeling particularly sad about a comment an old friend had said about me. This person told me I was copying her and following every step she takes in her life, which honestly made me laugh at first because I couldn't believe such stupidity. I've always known my value and I've always had my own creativity, humor and style, therefore, I've never done such thing as she said but let's face it: some people feel the need to dim your light for them to "shine". Anyway, that day, I let that petty thing affect me and I was feeling blue AF. 

Later that day, I was chatting with a French friend I met in Korea, and I told her I was feeling sad and all of that. She told me I was a brilliant person to her and that she loved my hair and my smile. Yes! My hair and my smile. This could sound stupid, but that single thing made me realize that sometimes we get lost in petty things and we don't see the beautiful features we have.

After that, I received more comments like that one and I've been taking it as a signal. People have told me that I'm disciplined, I'm inspiring, that my friendship is important to them, that I'm intelligent, that my path has inspired them to follow their dreams, that I'm humble, that I'm a great teacher and even that I have a beautiful skin tone. 

I think we should take compliments and good words more seriously. If we did, I'm sure the world would be a better place. Surely, bad comments can make us feel bad, but why do we choose to stick to those comments instead of believing more in the good ones? People say those good things about us for a reason. 

On the other hand, I think we should know the importance not only of receiving those kind words, but the importance of giving them. As my French friend did to me, you don't know when your kind words can lift someone's spirit, you could be helping that person understand their value, because we all have an immeasurable value even though we don't see it sometimes. 

I don't know who is reading this, but regardless of anything, you are great, you are magnificent, you can do whatever you want to do in this world, you shine, you are beautiful inside and outside, your fears and failures don't define what you are, you are loved and there's nothing but success in your future if you put your grind to it. 

I love you and I thank you for reading my thoughts.

-L

2020 and being taken for granted

 

2020 is coming to an end... it was good for some, bad for some more but one thing is for sure: we all learned from it. 

I wouldn't say it was precisely a good year... actually, I had to deal with some emotional issues I've had from a long time ago. I'm still dealing with them but at least I'm doing it better than before. It is never comfortable to face your fears and sadness but it can lead to a better understanding of your own heart and emotions. 

Being quarantined almost all year long led me to know myself better and I also ended up talking again to friends I hadn't talked to in ages! Now we talk on a daily basis and that makes me happy.

On the other hand, being home alone led me to feel so alone sometimes, that I ended up seeking for company in people who didn't really care about me. I learned to believe in actions and not in words. A person can easily tell you a million things and promise you the moon, but for me, what counts is what they really DO for you. If they say they miss you, they should show it, they know where you live, they know you would be glad with their presence, but still they prefer not to put the minimum effort to see you. Thus, they don't miss you, it's all lies or they're just lazy, guess I'll never know. 

Furthermore, they tell you things like "You're worth it so much" but they don't really appreciate what you do for them, in my case, the texts I write for them, the songs that make me think about them... they just don't give a fuck. Pay attention to this: If they did, they would have shown it, if they really appreciated you, they would have seen the good things you have instead of not having a single bit of forgiveness for the things you did wrong, even when they know you didn't have any intentions of making them feel bad, even when you tried your best to apologize and fix your mistakes, even when they have known you for a long time and they know the kind of person you are, even when you have been trying to express your feeling in the best way possible in order to make everything clear... They just don't have the intention to forgive you, they just don't care about losing you. 

My therapist told me I've demonstrated one more time that I'm very eager to give my best to the people I love, and that it is normal to feel sad after losing someone you loved. I just feel like I gave presents to someone and they all were thrown to the trashcan. But you know what? Now that I think about it, my presents could have been thrown away just like that, but that doesn't diminish their value. I think the gift of my love is still so valuable, I just haven't found the person who appreciates it. Maybe that person didn't deserve that romantic part of me. 

Sometimes I've asked myself: If I was able to accept him and like him the way he was, why couldn't he accept me the way I am? That's when I realized all his "you're worth it so much" speech was just bullshit. 

I'm not saying I'm perfect in any way, I commit mistakes all the time and I committed some bad mistakes with that person, but still, I think my good side is way bigger and I tried to show it so bad but he didn't see it... or he just didn't want to see it. I felt like talking to a wall, I felt like my feelings were being wasted and overlooked... I was being taken for granted. I don't even want to be friends with someone like that. Someone who sees others' mistakes but doesn't acknowledge his is not worth my time, let alone my love, affection and presents. It hasn't been easy for me because I care about him, but if I have to stop caring just as he did, I will and I won't look back. 

Let's hope 2021 brings better experiences... and better people.

PS: If you read this, you know Who you are.

-L

the 1

 "You know the greatest films of all time were never made"

To be honest, I didn't really like this song the first time I heard it (the 1 by Taylor Swift). Like many things and people in my life, it just grew on me. Just like the person who inspired me to write this. 

Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try, some things are just not supposed to work? 

Some things in life are coincidences and we have a tendency to think they are supposed to be something more, but at the end, they're not. 

We met five years ago in college, we had some abilities in common. I have to admit that he's an intelligent person even though I used to hate him in that moment. We had a couple of interactions in class, but nothing else. I wasn't interested in having a friendship with him. Then, all of a sudden, he entered the same classroom where I was in Seoul, August 2016, I think. The first thing that came to my mind was "what is HE doing here?" but then everything went with the flow and we built a nice friendship. Nothing more than that. Later that year, we sang a song together in front of a crowd and it was nice. Still friends, nothing had gone wrong by that moment and we had become a little bit closer. Time went by and we just lived our lives on a different path each other until life crossed our paths again. 

It is funny to think how at the end of the day you can end up liking someone who you didn't even determine at the beginning, and it is incredible how everything can go wrong with just a couple of words and decisions. I have a couple of questions (or more) I make myself these days more than ever:

How can something be heaven and hell at the same time?

Heaven because of the chemistry we for sure had but hell because we really didn't understand each other... I am a handful, I am overdramatic and he's not patient enough for someone like me. I don't blame him, I don't know what he could have been through.

If I hadn't been hurt the way I've been before him, would I take everything less seriously and stop overthinking and getting desperate so much?

Had we had something before I was like this, maybe everything wouldn't be fucked up the way it is now?

Had I been less impulsive, would everything be okay in this moment?

Had he understood me and the reasons why I react in such a bad way, would it be enough?

I guess there are some questions that will never have an answer. Hence, some circumstances will never have a proper closure. Some things are just supposed to fail, some people aren't supposed to be together. Some of the greatest things are not supposed to happen, as ironic as it sounds. I guess I'll always ask myself what would've happened if the timing was right, if we were right for each other.

If one thing had been different would everything be different today?

-L

november

There's this Taylor Swift song in folklore I'm addicted to these days, her songs are always an emotional life saver to me. I took "august" and adjusted it to a bittersweet experience I had. One of the reasons I've always loved her music is because it describes a great part of my life, and this is not an exception. 

Tuesday, and the rust on my door

I never needed anything more
Whispers of "Are you sure?"
"Never have I ever before"

But I can see us lost in the memory
November slipped away into a moment in time
'Cause it was never mine
And I can see us twisted in bedsheets
November sipped away like a bottle of wine
'Cause you were never mine

Your back beneath the purple light
Wishin' I could write my name on it
Will you call when you're back home?
I remember thinkin' I had you

But I can see us lost in the memory
November slipped away into a moment in time
'Cause it was never mine
And I can see us twisted in bedsheets
November sipped away like a bottle of wine
'Cause you were never mine

Back when we were still changin' for the better
Wanting was enough
For me, it was enough
To live for the hope of it all
Cancel plans just in case you'd call
And say, "Meet me behind the mall"
So much for summer love and saying "us"
'Cause you weren't mine to lose
You weren't mine to lose, no

But I can see us lost in the memory
November slipped away into a moment in time 
'Cause it was never mine
And I can see us twisted in bedsheets
November sipped away like a bottle of wine

'Cause you were never mine
'Cause you were never mine, never mine

Do you remember?

Remember when I pulled up and said, "Come to my place"
And then canceled my plans just in case you'd call?
Back when I was livin' for the hope of it all, for the hope of it all
"Meet me behind the mall"

Remember when I pulled up and said, "Come to my place"

And then canceled my plans just in case you'd call?

Back when I was livin' for the hope of it all (For the hope of it all)

For the hope of it all
For the hope of it all
(For the hope of it all)

(For the hope of it all)

171120                                                      

-L