2020 and being taken for granted

 

2020 is coming to an end... it was good for some, bad for some more but one thing is for sure: we all learned from it. 

I wouldn't say it was precisely a good year... actually, I had to deal with some emotional issues I've had from a long time ago. I'm still dealing with them but at least I'm doing it better than before. It is never comfortable to face your fears and sadness but it can lead to a better understanding of your own heart and emotions. 

Being quarantined almost all year long led me to know myself better and I also ended up talking again to friends I hadn't talked to in ages! Now we talk on a daily basis and that makes me happy.

On the other hand, being home alone led me to feel so alone sometimes, that I ended up seeking for company in people who didn't really care about me. I learned to believe in actions and not in words. A person can easily tell you a million things and promise you the moon, but for me, what counts is what they really DO for you. If they say they miss you, they should show it, they know where you live, they know you would be glad with their presence, but still they prefer not to put the minimum effort to see you. Thus, they don't miss you, it's all lies or they're just lazy, guess I'll never know. 

Furthermore, they tell you things like "You're worth it so much" but they don't really appreciate what you do for them, in my case, the texts I write for them, the songs that make me think about them... they just don't give a fuck. Pay attention to this: If they did, they would have shown it, if they really appreciated you, they would have seen the good things you have instead of not having a single bit of forgiveness for the things you did wrong, even when they know you didn't have any intentions of making them feel bad, even when you tried your best to apologize and fix your mistakes, even when they have known you for a long time and they know the kind of person you are, even when you have been trying to express your feeling in the best way possible in order to make everything clear... They just don't have the intention to forgive you, they just don't care about losing you. 

My therapist told me I've demonstrated one more time that I'm very eager to give my best to the people I love, and that it is normal to feel sad after losing someone you loved. I just feel like I gave presents to someone and they all were thrown to the trashcan. But you know what? Now that I think about it, my presents could have been thrown away just like that, but that doesn't diminish their value. I think the gift of my love is still so valuable, I just haven't found the person who appreciates it. Maybe that person didn't deserve that romantic part of me. 

Sometimes I've asked myself: If I was able to accept him and like him the way he was, why couldn't he accept me the way I am? That's when I realized all his "you're worth it so much" speech was just bullshit. 

I'm not saying I'm perfect in any way, I commit mistakes all the time and I committed some bad mistakes with that person, but still, I think my good side is way bigger and I tried to show it so bad but he didn't see it... or he just didn't want to see it. I felt like talking to a wall, I felt like my feelings were being wasted and overlooked... I was being taken for granted. I don't even want to be friends with someone like that. Someone who sees others' mistakes but doesn't acknowledge his is not worth my time, let alone my love, affection and presents. It hasn't been easy for me because I care about him, but if I have to stop caring just as he did, I will and I won't look back. 

Let's hope 2021 brings better experiences... and better people.

PS: If you read this, you know Who you are.

-L

the 1

 "You know the greatest films of all time were never made"

To be honest, I didn't really like this song the first time I heard it (the 1 by Taylor Swift). Like many things and people in my life, it just grew on me. Just like the person who inspired me to write this. 

Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try, some things are just not supposed to work? 

Some things in life are coincidences and we have a tendency to think they are supposed to be something more, but at the end, they're not. 

We met five years ago in college, we had some abilities in common. I have to admit that he's an intelligent person even though I used to hate him in that moment. We had a couple of interactions in class, but nothing else. I wasn't interested in having a friendship with him. Then, all of a sudden, he entered the same classroom where I was in Seoul, August 2016, I think. The first thing that came to my mind was "what is HE doing here?" but then everything went with the flow and we built a nice friendship. Nothing more than that. Later that year, we sang a song together in front of a crowd and it was nice. Still friends, nothing had gone wrong by that moment and we had become a little bit closer. Time went by and we just lived our lives on a different path each other until life crossed our paths again. 

It is funny to think how at the end of the day you can end up liking someone who you didn't even determine at the beginning, and it is incredible how everything can go wrong with just a couple of words and decisions. I have a couple of questions (or more) I make myself these days more than ever:

How can something be heaven and hell at the same time?

Heaven because of the chemistry we for sure had but hell because we really didn't understand each other... I am a handful, I am overdramatic and he's not patient enough for someone like me. I don't blame him, I don't know what he could have been through.

If I hadn't been hurt the way I've been before him, would I take everything less seriously and stop overthinking and getting desperate so much?

Had we had something before I was like this, maybe everything wouldn't be fucked up the way it is now?

Had I been less impulsive, would everything be okay in this moment?

Had he understood me and the reasons why I react in such a bad way, would it be enough?

I guess there are some questions that will never have an answer. Hence, some circumstances will never have a proper closure. Some things are just supposed to fail, some people aren't supposed to be together. Some of the greatest things are not supposed to happen, as ironic as it sounds. I guess I'll always ask myself what would've happened if the timing was right, if we were right for each other.

If one thing had been different would everything be different today?

-L

november

There's this Taylor Swift song in folklore I'm addicted to these days, her songs are always an emotional life saver to me. I took "august" and adjusted it to a bittersweet experience I had. One of the reasons I've always loved her music is because it describes a great part of my life, and this is not an exception. 

Tuesday, and the rust on my door

I never needed anything more
Whispers of "Are you sure?"
"Never have I ever before"

But I can see us lost in the memory
November slipped away into a moment in time
'Cause it was never mine
And I can see us twisted in bedsheets
November sipped away like a bottle of wine
'Cause you were never mine

Your back beneath the purple light
Wishin' I could write my name on it
Will you call when you're back home?
I remember thinkin' I had you

But I can see us lost in the memory
November slipped away into a moment in time
'Cause it was never mine
And I can see us twisted in bedsheets
November sipped away like a bottle of wine
'Cause you were never mine

Back when we were still changin' for the better
Wanting was enough
For me, it was enough
To live for the hope of it all
Cancel plans just in case you'd call
And say, "Meet me behind the mall"
So much for summer love and saying "us"
'Cause you weren't mine to lose
You weren't mine to lose, no

But I can see us lost in the memory
November slipped away into a moment in time 
'Cause it was never mine
And I can see us twisted in bedsheets
November sipped away like a bottle of wine

'Cause you were never mine
'Cause you were never mine, never mine

Do you remember?

Remember when I pulled up and said, "Come to my place"
And then canceled my plans just in case you'd call?
Back when I was livin' for the hope of it all, for the hope of it all
"Meet me behind the mall"

Remember when I pulled up and said, "Come to my place"

And then canceled my plans just in case you'd call?

Back when I was livin' for the hope of it all (For the hope of it all)

For the hope of it all
For the hope of it all
(For the hope of it all)

(For the hope of it all)

171120                                                      

-L

Sincerity

In the past few hours, I've been thinking about sincerity. It may seem stupid but today, I had a conversation with a friend who told me to thank a guy for being "sincere" with me, even when he was telling me that I was a friend to him but, nevertheless, he wanted to hook up with me. Many people don't have trouble with this, but I find it so fucking offensive when men don't want to have a decent bit of commitment but they want to enjoy you, your body and your time. I am so freaking pissed in this moment. Should I really thank for that shit? Because I think I shouldn't, and off course, I'm not gonna do it. 

As a person who takes feelings as a serious matter, I really wonder why people these days don't value other people. Many folks who read this are probably going to say "no one is obliged to like you or be with you", and that's right. But don't you become tired of giving your best and trying so hard for people who don't give a single fuck about you? If you knew from the beginning that they don't care, it would be okay, but why do men have to keep the limits blurred and not talk clearly about the true intentions they have with you until you ask them directly? The worst thing about it is that even if you're mad, you try to seek some explanations about their behaviour towards you, and you do it in a good way but they end up telling you you're "exaggerated"... But no, they can't be exaggerated, they're very calm playing some fucking stupid PS4 video game while you're waiting for a decent answer. Let's remember that men can't be exaggerated, ladies, that's only reserved to us as women, everything we do is exaggerated and calculated.

And you know what's even worse? That you even get to the point of contemplating to give in in order to make things work and they take advantage of that and they ignore you as if you were any kind of fly on the wall, nothing important for them. Though, at least, that's coherent with the "sincerity" they expressed in their words. 

Today, I learned that if you have a classmate you don't like, it should stay like that. Don't make peace with someone you didn't trust at first... it can become something godforsaken stupid like this.

I'm sure that if the guy I'm addressing ever reads this, he's not gonna like it... but I'm showing him how I truly feel and that's what is called sincerity. 

-L

Giving love magnifies you... even if others don't appreciate it

 

I would be lying if I say that I have never complained about having wasted my love on someone who didn't deserve it. Of course I did, and I've also heard some of my friends and many strangers on the internet complaining about the same reason. Many quotes on Pinterest say that you deserve what you give others, but we all know that most times life isn't like that. Most times, life just won't give you back what you expect.

When we are in love, we usually think that we want to make the other person happy, that's why we give some intangible but no less important presents such as time, affection, and most important: commitment. We give those because we want, because the other person is important to us and they make us feel loved. Hence, we want to make them feel loved as well. 

BUT...

What happens when they dump you? What happens when they commit a mistake that makes it impossible for you to accept any apologies later on? First, you don't believe it. Then, you feel deceived... and then hatred joins the bunch of emotions and feelings you have been experienced since the other person decided to leave with vacuous explanations, or worse, leaving without having any decency or respect towards you, the time you shared, and the hopes they gave you.

Many people talk about closing cycles as if it was something easy to do, but sometimes, life won't give you the closure that you want. You can never know a person completely, and the person you once loved can suddenly change and they aren't probably going to have the guts or decency to say sorry for what they did and and give you a chance to say good bye before leaving. They usually just leave real quick amidst pure cowardice, leaving you undone. 

I know firsthand what it is to feel like that, what it is to feel your love was wasted and taken for granted. You might think from time to time that all the time, affection and commitment you gave them is a crumpled up piece of paper in this moment... and it might be for them, but you shouldn't let that make you feel like less of a human being.

It took me some time to understand this: even if a person took your love for granted and deceived you, the love that you so selflessly gave is always going to magnify you, and the fact that you were capable to love another human being in that way should make you feel valuable and special. I learned that you will never be enough for some people... but you can be enough for you and the people who truly love you without being so hard on yourself and trying so hard to impress.

I just hope these words can help you feel better, 'cause you are amazing and worthy of love. I hope someday you find a Lover who values you, deserves you and appreciates you for everything you are. I hope you remember these words when you are in a dark place, thinking you're not enough. 

-L

Friendships can cause heartbreaks too

 

"Letting go of a friendship doesn't mean it wasn't beautiful" -Sam Brown

So once again, that moment when another friendship ends comes to your life, and you ask yourself why. Maybe I was mean with my friend during an argument? Or maybe he or she just found a better friend? These days, one of the most common advices one can hear is "don't get attached to people", and it's a good advice, I mean, it is very practical and it can help you avoid tons of stress. However... is it easy to follow that advice? 

Most of us are looking for love and acceptance, even if we don't admit it. The unconditional love of a friend is something so beautiful that it only adds joy to your life, but what happens when you literally feel that that friendship is coming to an end? In this moment of my life, I could say that many people who once were very good friends of mine, are now complete strangers. Is it bad? No, that's life. Does it feel shitty when you think about it? Yes, it does. We are used to see people who still have the same best friend since they were in school, or even before, if you're one of those people, let me tell you you're lucky. 

I remember that approximately six years ago, I had a very strong argument with my best friend from that time and our friendship just ended so abruptly... Now that I look back, I think I was too harsh with her, now we talk from time to time, but you know... some things will never be the same. Since that moment, I decided that I would never have a best friend again, just friends and that's it. 

However, I've had a friend since 2013 who has been such a special person to me. Our friendship has gone through all stages: having the same tastes in music, in food, and even in men; which led to a lot of stupid decisions that almost ended our friendship, or I would say; that ended our friendship for some time. We went from being at each other's side in class, in the library and everywhere to almost hating each other after a guy who is such a piece of shit. After hating each other, life just took a 180 degree turn and we ended up talking again and seeing each other a couple of times. We apologized to each other and life continued, but we have changed so much. I wish we could still hang out with each other, but what can you do if that friend prefers other people over you and publicly supports them but there's nothing for you? What do you do if that friend only answers your messages with a frivolous "hahaha" and doesn't talk to you even though you know she's on her phone everyday all day? And what do you do if you know you're the only one trying to reach out? When those feelings are overwhelming, you already know that something's broken between you two... and it's hard to face it, but when you do it, everything becomes clearer and you know what you have to do next... 

I don't want to be clingy, every person has their personal space... but I've always thought you deserve the same amount of love you give. If it doesn't come back after you try and try, it's time to let go... Everything goes back to the advice I wrote at the beginning... it's practical, but is it easy to follow? These days, I just came to the conclusion that friendships can cause heartbreaks too.

People come and go, but only a few ones will stay.

-L

Heartbreak is the national anthem, we sing it proudly

Since we are young, we are taught that heartbreaks are the worst thing that can happen to us. We see it in soap operas, movies, etc. Usually, it is the woman who has to carry with all the emotional stuff that a heartbreak brings. I am not saying that men don't suffer, of course they do, but to be honest, I've seen way more women suffering from a heartbreak than men. Heartbreaks are horrible, I'm not saying anything new. Isn't it horrible when you trust someone with all your heart and they leave as if nothing had happened? Or isn't it so shitty when you see the one you once loved so happy with someone they chose over you? (Even uglier, hehe). 

It's awful to see how many beautiful and amazing women cry and suffer over immature guys who don't even know what they want in life, and there was a time when I was one of those girls. If you are going through a heartbreak, I know how terrible it is, and how is it to feel unappreciated, disrespected and disappointed, let alone sad and angry because you know you never deserved that kind of treatment. It is even worse when you're crying and your soul feels devastated while the jerk is playing around with some ...girls. Or he's just playing videogames while you are in your bed trying to process everything or just trying to get distracted from all the crap they gave you. To all these women, I only have to say something: I understand you. It may not be something big or something important, but when we're going through those moments, we just want to be heard and understood. 

I don't know if many people will read this, but in case you do, I have a nice heartbreak playlist for you, which I divided in two parts: the red moments and the firework moments. The red moments are the ones where you experience grief, devastation and pure sadness. The latter, are the ones where you feel you're finally clean and understand that actually, God made you a favor by removing that toxic piece of shit of your life. 

For the red moments:

All Too Well - Taylor Swift

I'm Not The Only One - Sam Smith

If I Were a Boy - Beyoncé

Take a Bow - Rihanna

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

For the firework moments:

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together - Taylor Swift

Don't Start Now - Dua Lipa

Tusa - Karol G, Nicki Minaj

Part of Me - Katy Perry

New Romantics - Taylor Swift

If you've read until this point, I thank you for that and I hope you feel better or at least you've had some fun reading my thoughts. I just know that everything happens for a reason, and that actually, freedom is disguised in a heartbreak, that's the meaning I've found in heartbreak after some time... as my beloved Taylor Swift says: "heartbreak is the national anthem, we sing it proudly".

Pd: The best people in life are free.

L 

Celebrations

There have been many times in my life when I ask myself if the things I do are just as valuable as everyone else's. Those who know me are aware of my passion to work hard, to stand out, to try to give my best in everything I do. One year ago, I was graduating from college and years before, I used to think that that day was gonna be one of the best of my life, but ironically, it ended being such a blue day. 

What do you do if every single time someone asks you about your birthdays, Christmases or special days, you mostly have bad memories or no memories at all because your loved ones don't consider your achievements as special? What if you think about those days and still feel somehow saddened by that? What if everytime you see someone happily celebrating their birthdays and those special dates I mentioned above, you feel like no one cares about yours? 

I know that one shouldn't live life thinking about pleasing others or doing things for other people's sake. But wouldn't it be nice if someone made you feel special on those days and tell you warm words like "you did well", "you are amazing" or "you were able to overcome this"? I'm gonna turn 25 in less than three months, and I still don't know how it feels to have a surprise party, or how it feels to have your friends coming home to tell you "Happy birthday". I feel like I'm always celebrating others, like I'm always going to other's places to celebrate or spend time, but no one ever comes my way to cheer me up or to say hello when something good happens in my life. However, I hope it can change. I honestly don't want to spend more "special" days at home, alone and staring at the ceiling. 

If you have read everything so far, thank you so much. This is not a happy post but I know some people could feel identified with the feeling I'm trying to describe here. 

L