Long Live - Kind of Love #2

 

We spend most of our lives wondering what true love really feels like. Some think you can find it with a partner, others with family, etc. For me, it is when you feel that someone honestly values you for what you are. I had been suffering for approximately six months when my heart really started being completely healed. 

As someone who overthinks a lot, I know what it is to deal with bad thoughts on a daily basis. However, my therapist taught me how to understand that thoughts are only that: thoughts, nothing else. Nothing is too bad, nothing is the end of the world. When someone leaves you or doesn't value you, it's not the end of the world, you'll just become more resilient and then you won't care about that, hehe.

When I was suffering because a person I really loved didn't love me nor appreciated me back, I decided to shift my focus to the kids I was teaching... and that was the best decision I've taken in a while. Working with kids is not easy, though. Sometimes they can really get on your nerves, but most of the time they are really cute and you don't get bored. 

I remember their faces the day I told them I will go to Korea to study my master's... They were so sad but they made the rest of the month very enjoyable. On my last day, they prepared a little party for me, they knew I love blue so they put some blue fringe ornament on top of the door... They surprised me with a bunch of beautiful pink roses, candy, letters and gifts made by them. They took their time to write good wishes to me, to draw some beautiful things for me, to tell their parents they wanted to give me a present. When I played with them the last time and they threw me on the grass and hugged me, I felt so lucky. When other people didn't appreciate me, my kids were so happy to have me there and play with my hair.

How beautiful was life to bring them to me, to let me experience true love through every smile and hug they gave me. These kids just healed my heart without even realizing they did it. Kids are honest, they love you and they don't care if you're cute, ugly, poor, rich or whatever. They just loved me for being me and even though my heart hurts because I'm leaving them, I'm so blessed to have shared time with them. 

For me, you receive true love when someone appreciates you for what you are. When they don't care what you have, how look like... When they love you for you. 

If you (any of my kids) reads this someday, thank you for loving me and I love you too. Thank you for healing my heart and being such beautiful rays of light to this world. I hope you accomplish big dreams and have a good life because you deserve it. I love you so so so much. I hope you listen to Long Live by Taylor Swift and feel as excited as you felt the first time you heard it when I left. 

I will remember you and love you forever.

Long Live, all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you.

-Miss Laura. :3

Enchanted

 I am aware that I've been writing about sad stuff lately... That's the way I was feeling but ok. Today, I want to talk about something that happened to me approximately two weeks ago, I just hadn't found the time to translate it into words so here I go.

The social crisis in my country exploded a couple of months ago due to the government's poor management of everything, basically. This led to many difficulties in transportation due to the riots and all that stuff. 

It was a Monday afternoon when I was coming home from having lunch with my friend Gee but time flew because time flies when you spend it with nice people, so it was pretty late when I was on my way home and the bus couldn't bring me to my station because of the riots in this part of the city. After some time trying to catch a bus, I could finally take one. 

When I was able to get in the bus, I went to the back and as soon as I sat on the stairs, I heard a male voice that told me "I'll sit with you". At first, I was like "o....k?" hahaha. So this guy started talking to me and he seemed nice, he was like three years younger than me and he told me what his job was, his name, etc. We started making jokes and talking about the situation and all of that. I guess some car accidents had happened that day because the bus was so slow, it was awful and it was already very dark outside. We had been in the bus for like, an hour, and I was about to leave that bus and walk or something...

The problem is that when I caught the bus, I thought it was going to my neighborhood but it didn't, it started to go further and further from my house and I was so worried because I don't really know this part of the city although I live here... I don't like living here so I almost never go out.

I told him I was very worried and he tried to give me directions about the place where we were... but the worst happened: I got lost. I guess he saw the concerned expression in my eyes and he offered to leave the bus with me and guide me until I recognized a place from where I could go home. I accepted because that was the only option I had, there weren't any taxi cabs or anything, I was feeling so lost and stupid.

We left the bus and when he stood on my side I realized he was so tall and handsome, hahaha. His skin was white, he had brown eyes and short wavy brown hair. He offered me his arm and I don't know why but I took it, hahaha, you shouldn't trust people on the street but he was so nice and cool! He told me he had been living in the neighborhood for more than 10 years and that he had his mother and his sister and he wouldn't like them to get lost as I was. Many men should take notes and be like this handsome gentleman. 

We continued with our conversation as we were walking towards my neighborhood and I realized that that fucking bus left me too far away! We walked for like, 40 minutes and I was still lost! Good thing, we were walking on the sidewalks and he made me change to the other side so he was the one walking next to the cars, he gave me his hand to walk down some stairs and all, it felt so nice. 

The conversation we had was nice and fun and he was such a cool person and a true gentleman. He brought me all the way to my neighborhood and he never made a bad comment of anything, he complimented me and told me I was pretty in such a polite way. I am glad that good people like him still exist, I am glad that there are still true gentlemen out there.

We just came to the point where I knew the place so I could go home and I thanked him because I had been so scared in that situation, it was horrible to feel that lost. I wished him well and so did he and we shook hands and said goodbye. However, I was "wonderstruck, blushing all the way home", as Taylor sings in Enchanted. 

These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon: 

"I was Enchanted to meet you".

-L

The importance of not giving a fuck

 We have been always taught to care. 

"Pay attention to what people says about you", says your mother.

"Pay attention to every signal a person gives you so you know what their intentions are", says your bestie.

And so on.

However, I think that sometimes it is pretty important not to care, but not only that, not giving a fuck can help you a lot when getting out of a dark place. 

Being an oversensitive ass woman has led me to have my heart broken more than a couple of times, but today, I'm going to focus on how I got over some shitty, medium ugly, mediocre men who made me suffer even having those features (intelligent women sometimes commit mistakes, I know, I know). 

The truth is that heartbreak sucks, let alone all the hurting you have to endure only to realize at the end that they didn't deserve all the attention you gave them and the tears you cried. It sucks to be sitting on the floor listening to Last Kiss by Taylor Swift, trying to understand everything while they are probably talking to other women who are probably as mediocre as them, or worse, talking to intelligent women who end up giving them a chance just to get backstabbed just as you did.

The worst part is when there's nothing left but sadness because you really loved them but they act as if nothing ever happened between you two, which mistakenly leads you to think that you weren't good enough when the reality is that you cannot expect an ordinary and immature man to understand the sincerity and love you gave him. 

Every person gives what they have, so you should feel good or bad accordingly. 

After many breakup songs, pinterest quotes and conversations with good friends, I realized that if you gave them love, genuine interest and affection, you shouldn't feel bad. If they mind-twisted you and then showed you their true colors, they are the ones who should carry the emotional baggage of the situation, not you. They probably won't do it now or in a long time, but all you should do is NOT. GIVE. A. SINGLE. FUCK.

After these breakups, there was a moment in which I really felt the heaviness leaving my body and soul, and that was when I started not giving a single fuck about them. And this is not fast, if you're an oversensitive ass like me, it's not gonna be fast or easy at all, but there's this moment when you're tired of crying and clinging onto a situationship that's not gonna bring you more than frustration and sadness... but it stops, there's really a moment when something changes inside of you and you can finally start to not give a fuck. However, you should put all your effort into maintaining that state of not-giving-a-fucking-ness, and I'll tell you how.

Disclaimer: I'm not an expert as I have only had to get over two assholes, but I guess this is gonna help someone. Or at least you'll entertain yourself reading my stuff.

• Do all the crying and complaining you need, give yourself time to heal, listen to Red by Taylor Swift while you cry and then good 4 u by Olivia Rodrigo while you imagine you punch them in the face, pray to God and ask him to remove all the heaviness and sadness from your heart, but don't let this sadness extend for too long. Discover how you can heal and put your heart and soul in it. 

• When somebody tells you anything about them: tell them you don't want to know, tell them that this guy is dead for you. You'll protect yourself from unwanted news about those pieces of crap, AND you're not supposed to give a fuck, so take it seriously. You can do it.

• BLOCK their dusty ass on all your social media platforms. Or in case they've blocked you, DO NOT STALK THEM. If you do it, the process is going to take longer. Besides, who wants to see ugly stupid men? Not seeing what they're up to is going to help you a lot. Remember, they're dead for you, they're irrelevant and mediocre, they don't exist.

• Don't talk about them anymore. If you talk about them constantly with your close ones, you'll remember good and bad things, and we don't want that, we are not giving a fuck. Remember?

• You don't need their closure. All the closure you needed came in the form of ghosting and disrespect towards you and your feelings. I remember when my first ex came like, six months later after we had broken up to "explain me the reasons why". Like, why would I want to hear all that bullshit when I literally had forgotten that he existed? The audacity.

• Work on your personal growth. Grow that booty, study, invest time in the people who truly loves you, get that master's degree scholarship and remind yourself that you're a thousand levels over them and they were just a mistake you'll never allow to happen again because you'll love yourself enough to not let these things happen. 

If you've read until here, thank you and I hope this thing helps you feel better. For me, it's very therapeutic and even though I call these guys names, I truly loved them before and I'm sure I'll forgive them someday. But now, I have to focus on healing and continue building my marvelous path. Queen energy only.

You're going to hear some big news from me soon. ;)

-L

Strangers

 

It took me more than a month and a half to come back here because many things have happened since then. I am basically in a moment when I am about to achieve one of the biggest dreams of my life but I am just living while waiting for a confirmation. I wouldn't say I feel sad, or yes, sometimes I do, but to be honest, every day feels weird.

I was cleaning my phone today and found some screenshots from conversations with a person who used to be important to me... Sometimes I look through my window to the direction this person lives and I don't know what to feel anymore. Sometimes I ask myself if I am guilty of all of this, or if this wasn't the right timing, or if everything was supposed to fail since the very beginning. Sometimes everything goes wrong, no matter how much you try, sometimes you just try too much but you know you won't get anything from someone who doesn't give a fuck about you or your feelings. 

I can't count how many times I have overanalyzed what happened and still find myself guilty for opening the door to someone who never had any good intentions with me, I thought I knew this person but certainly, I didn't at all. I guess I made a priority out of someone who just took me like an option. 

Have you ever felt so much with someone but at the end you're just strangers again?

No matter how much love you want to offer someone, sometimes they just deserve your absence. 

No matter how many diamonds you have for someone, sometimes they prefer the stones on the dirty side of the road. 

And it's okay. 

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much you want to make it work with someone, no matter how good your intentions are, how much you appreciate them... when it's not them, it's not them. It doesn't matter how much chemistry you have when you are together. Love is like grass, it grows when you water it... guess it only grew on my side of the fence. However, you cannot water it forever and wait for it to grow if you don't find commitment from the other person, that's why I decided to build a taller fence and walk away.

Being true to myself, I prefer to have a coffee every afternoon and be sad for a while than waiting for someone to appreciate me. I guess I deserve better than a dude that is "too busy" to send a message and has plenty of ordinary and cheap-looking women in his options. 

Well, after all, at least I'm sure I still have a good heart and that my intentions were pure and good. I haven't lost any value. My heart hasn't lost any value. Something big is coming my way and I guess I have to be fully open to that rather than worrying about someone who acts like he doesn't have a heart. Someone who just can't apologize for his wrongdoings. Someone who sees being vulnerable and honest like a weakness.

I can literally feel the next chapter of my life coming soon... I'll focus on that from now on. I've been working for that for the last four years of my life, so now I'll just sit and enjoy the rewards of my hard work. I deserve it. I deserve to be happy.

-L

May your heart remain breakable... but never by the same hand twice.

When something or someone isn't serving me anymore I ask myself: "would Beyoncé put up with this shit?" and then I walk away. 

I guess there are some moments in life when our worth is questioned by others so we can learn to truly appreciate all the effort and passion we have put into building ourselves up. It's obvious that we aren't supposed to be liked by absolutely everyone, but people who make you question your own worth don't deserve a spot in your life. You can love them so much, but sometimes loving them won't stop them from wanting to make you feel miserable. In fact, the way they act to you speaks more of what they really have inside than the real measure of your worth. I decided to give a strong opening to this post because this is what it is going to be about: strength. 

Someone I used to admire and appreciate as a man, told me a couple of days ago that the price to be with me was too high, and I didn't know if I should have felt flattered or offended. Truth first, I felt both ways. 

Why flattered? Because that means I am worth the risk, I am not the kind of woman you find every two minutes on the street. I have built myself and the things I have from scratch and I am not mediocre.

Why offended? Because he basically told me on my face that he wasn't going to pay the price to be with me. He wasn't willing to put the commitment, effort and love that a woman like me is worth for. 

That's when I go back to the opening phrase of this post: "would Beyoncé put up with this shit?" The answer is NO. Beyoncé is one of my role models in life. She is independent, talented, beautiful and basically built her own empire by combining those three characteristics she has. She doesn't need anyone to be happy. I want to be like her.

I may not be Beyoncé, but I know my worth because I have paid dearly every ounce of it. I have sacrificed myself a lot and I'm willing to continue doing so, I work on myself, I give my best to the ones I love... I don't deserve any kind of half-ass love from a half-ass man. Guess he's worth a half-ass girl as well. 

I feel so satisfied to have told him that you get what you are willing to pay for. If you are a warm-hearted person with good intentions, committed and consistent, you will get someone who matches your effort. If you are mediocre, not empathetic at all, pedantic and casually cruel in the name of being honest, you're never going to get a good person. As that old saying states: "you get what you are". You decide if that excites you or scares you.

I am willing to receive only the kind of love I am willing to give; which is complete, committed and consistent. I don't expect anything less than that, and the person who is not willing to give me that and instead wants to make me feel unworthy of love, can perfectly fuck off from my life. It applies to friendships, but more than that: to those arrogant and irrelevant AF "men".

Remember: once I close the door, I throw the key forever. 

-L

Evanescence

Everything comes to an end. We are often very reluctant to accept this but there's always a situation that makes us change our mind. Or at least, that's what happened to me some time ago. 

Yesterday, I had to do some stuff which made me go out. Then, the plans with my best friend got cancelled so I decided to stop by a park I really like here in my city. I bought an iced vanilla latte which I'm a huge fan of and then sat on the grass alone to breathe some fresh air while thinking about this specific moment of my life, the goals I have, the class planning I have left, the guy I like. I stared at the sky, at the people passing by, at their dogs and the cars in the street. I was just staring at everything until I noticed that one thing was missing, and it was the restaurant where I shared many memories with someone who meant so much to me but now means nothing but a bad dream. 

It was May 2019 and I was hanging out with some friends, we had made a nice photoshoot and I still love the portraits we were able to produce that day, I felt proud of my modeling skills, haha. Time went by so fast and by the time we finished it was 10pm, I think. I got a call from my boyfriend at that time and he told me his parents were out of town, then offered to buy me dinner and took me with him in the car that night. Of course, I accepted, and it was one of the best nights of my life. We went to the restaurant and we ate burgers and fries like pigs, and we laughed so much about some stupid stuff we had always laughed about, we felt genuinely happy. When we broke up, I used to cry every time I remembered that place, and I couldn't pass by that place for some months, it was just so difficult for me, my sensitive ass couldn't take it. 

Going back to yesterday, when I saw that the place had gotten demolished and absolutely nothing is left, I couldn't avoid stating an analogy in my mind: nothing from that place is left as well as nothing is left in my heart, nothing for him. Everything just evanesced.

When we are in love, we have that naive tendency of thinking that those romantic and happy moments will last forever, but it almost never happens like that, I learned it the hard way. No one is perfect and sometimes patience leaves the equation, love leaves the equation or worse, greed and jealousy enter the equation. It's somehow mournful to think that the hatred you end feeling for someone can be much bigger than the love you once felt for them. And then, when time goes by and life continues, you come to a point where you just don't feel anything. Now you see them passing by and you're just strangers with memories, but it doesn't hurt. You just don't feel anything else anymore.

Everything comes to an end. Everything comes to an evanescence.

-L

Kind Of Love #1

These days, one particular thought has caught my attention. There are many kinds of love depending on the person who gives it to you... and that's why I've decided to make a series on this blog called 'Kind Of Love', which I think could be a suitable name for the book I am planning to write as well, why not?

Anyways, today's Kind Of Love composition goes to an old friend of mine -and not arguably, the best.

This beautiful girl was born on January 21st, 1996, exactly 42 days after I was born, and honestly, we've been friends for such a long time that I don't even remember how we met, I guess we were still babies, LOL. 

Since she was little, she was pretty eloquent and cute, I remember her red cheeks every time she used to tell me things about her dolls. She shared all her toys with me when my grandma used to take me to her house (her mom and my grandma have been friends for many years).

When we were teenagers, I remember how she ran everywhere just after coming home from school. I used to see her playing sports in the park with some friends, red cheeks again. This was such a funny stage of our lives because I got scolded a couple of times because of her craziness but we laughed a lot with stuff like a Shakira doll guitar, when we liked Emo stuff, when we made some shitty ice cream in a rooftop at my grandparent's house, when I threw myself with an umbrella from a that same rooftop and fucked my foot and she "took care" of me...

As adults, we are not there for each other talking shit everyday... but we are for each other when we have to be. She is the person who knows my deepest insecurities and fears, yet I know I can trust her more than anyone. She is such an honest, humble and beautiful person. Even though she's very beautiful on the outside with her fit body and beautiful eye smile and freckles, she's even more beautiful on the inside.

She's the friend who loves you for who you are.

She's the friend who helps you without condition.

She's the friend who shares her things with those who need them.

She's the friend without prejudice.

She's the friend with a big heart.

She's the friend who makes room in her own bed if you need it.

She's the friend who makes delicious foods for you (And this is such a big expression of selflessness and love).

She's the friend who calls people "stupid" when they try to wrong you.

She's the friend who tells you the truth with honesty and respect even when you don't want to hear it.

And I could continue on and on with all the memories I have with her, but today, I want to celebrate her life and be thankful for having known her and being part of her life as she is so important for me too.

Thank you for your friendship, your sincerity, your selflessness, your delicious food and your beautiful vibe and sense of independence. You inspire me to do better and I know I'm not the only one.

Happy Birthday, Nata, I love you so much. 

-L

Things we don't see

Lately, I've been thinking about the things we don't notice or see in ourselves but other people do. Sometimes, we are so deep into our insecurities and fears that we don't see the good things we have, and I'm not talking about money or material stuff, I'm talking about other type of stuff. 

One day I was feeling particularly sad about a comment an old friend had said about me. This person told me I was copying her and following every step she takes in her life, which honestly made me laugh at first because I couldn't believe such stupidity. I've always known my value and I've always had my own creativity, humor and style, therefore, I've never done such thing as she said but let's face it: some people feel the need to dim your light for them to "shine". Anyway, that day, I let that petty thing affect me and I was feeling blue AF. 

Later that day, I was chatting with a French friend I met in Korea, and I told her I was feeling sad and all of that. She told me I was a brilliant person to her and that she loved my hair and my smile. Yes! My hair and my smile. This could sound stupid, but that single thing made me realize that sometimes we get lost in petty things and we don't see the beautiful features we have.

After that, I received more comments like that one and I've been taking it as a signal. People have told me that I'm disciplined, I'm inspiring, that my friendship is important to them, that I'm intelligent, that my path has inspired them to follow their dreams, that I'm humble, that I'm a great teacher and even that I have a beautiful skin tone. 

I think we should take compliments and good words more seriously. If we did, I'm sure the world would be a better place. Surely, bad comments can make us feel bad, but why do we choose to stick to those comments instead of believing more in the good ones? People say those good things about us for a reason. 

On the other hand, I think we should know the importance not only of receiving those kind words, but the importance of giving them. As my French friend did to me, you don't know when your kind words can lift someone's spirit, you could be helping that person understand their value, because we all have an immeasurable value even though we don't see it sometimes. 

I don't know who is reading this, but regardless of anything, you are great, you are magnificent, you can do whatever you want to do in this world, you shine, you are beautiful inside and outside, your fears and failures don't define what you are, you are loved and there's nothing but success in your future if you put your grind to it. 

I love you and I thank you for reading my thoughts.

-L

2020 and being taken for granted

 

2020 is coming to an end... it was good for some, bad for some more but one thing is for sure: we all learned from it. 

I wouldn't say it was precisely a good year... actually, I had to deal with some emotional issues I've had from a long time ago. I'm still dealing with them but at least I'm doing it better than before. It is never comfortable to face your fears and sadness but it can lead to a better understanding of your own heart and emotions. 

Being quarantined almost all year long led me to know myself better and I also ended up talking again to friends I hadn't talked to in ages! Now we talk on a daily basis and that makes me happy.

On the other hand, being home alone led me to feel so alone sometimes, that I ended up seeking for company in people who didn't really care about me. I learned to believe in actions and not in words. A person can easily tell you a million things and promise you the moon, but for me, what counts is what they really DO for you. If they say they miss you, they should show it, they know where you live, they know you would be glad with their presence, but still they prefer not to put the minimum effort to see you. Thus, they don't miss you, it's all lies or they're just lazy, guess I'll never know. 

Furthermore, they tell you things like "You're worth it so much" but they don't really appreciate what you do for them, in my case, the texts I write for them, the songs that make me think about them... they just don't give a fuck. Pay attention to this: If they did, they would have shown it, if they really appreciated you, they would have seen the good things you have instead of not having a single bit of forgiveness for the things you did wrong, even when they know you didn't have any intentions of making them feel bad, even when you tried your best to apologize and fix your mistakes, even when they have known you for a long time and they know the kind of person you are, even when you have been trying to express your feeling in the best way possible in order to make everything clear... They just don't have the intention to forgive you, they just don't care about losing you. 

My therapist told me I've demonstrated one more time that I'm very eager to give my best to the people I love, and that it is normal to feel sad after losing someone you loved. I just feel like I gave presents to someone and they all were thrown to the trashcan. But you know what? Now that I think about it, my presents could have been thrown away just like that, but that doesn't diminish their value. I think the gift of my love is still so valuable, I just haven't found the person who appreciates it. Maybe that person didn't deserve that romantic part of me. 

Sometimes I've asked myself: If I was able to accept him and like him the way he was, why couldn't he accept me the way I am? That's when I realized all his "you're worth it so much" speech was just bullshit. 

I'm not saying I'm perfect in any way, I commit mistakes all the time and I committed some bad mistakes with that person, but still, I think my good side is way bigger and I tried to show it so bad but he didn't see it... or he just didn't want to see it. I felt like talking to a wall, I felt like my feelings were being wasted and overlooked... I was being taken for granted. I don't even want to be friends with someone like that. Someone who sees others' mistakes but doesn't acknowledge his is not worth my time, let alone my love, affection and presents. It hasn't been easy for me because I care about him, but if I have to stop caring just as he did, I will and I won't look back. 

Let's hope 2021 brings better experiences... and better people.

PS: If you read this, you know Who you are.

-L

the 1

 "You know the greatest films of all time were never made"

To be honest, I didn't really like this song the first time I heard it (the 1 by Taylor Swift). Like many things and people in my life, it just grew on me. Just like the person who inspired me to write this. 

Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try, some things are just not supposed to work? 

Some things in life are coincidences and we have a tendency to think they are supposed to be something more, but at the end, they're not. 

We met five years ago in college, we had some abilities in common. I have to admit that he's an intelligent person even though I used to hate him in that moment. We had a couple of interactions in class, but nothing else. I wasn't interested in having a friendship with him. Then, all of a sudden, he entered the same classroom where I was in Seoul, August 2016, I think. The first thing that came to my mind was "what is HE doing here?" but then everything went with the flow and we built a nice friendship. Nothing more than that. Later that year, we sang a song together in front of a crowd and it was nice. Still friends, nothing had gone wrong by that moment and we had become a little bit closer. Time went by and we just lived our lives on a different path each other until life crossed our paths again. 

It is funny to think how at the end of the day you can end up liking someone who you didn't even determine at the beginning, and it is incredible how everything can go wrong with just a couple of words and decisions. I have a couple of questions (or more) I make myself these days more than ever:

How can something be heaven and hell at the same time?

Heaven because of the chemistry we for sure had but hell because we really didn't understand each other... I am a handful, I am overdramatic and he's not patient enough for someone like me. I don't blame him, I don't know what he could have been through.

If I hadn't been hurt the way I've been before him, would I take everything less seriously and stop overthinking and getting desperate so much?

Had we had something before I was like this, maybe everything wouldn't be fucked up the way it is now?

Had I been less impulsive, would everything be okay in this moment?

Had he understood me and the reasons why I react in such a bad way, would it be enough?

I guess there are some questions that will never have an answer. Hence, some circumstances will never have a proper closure. Some things are just supposed to fail, some people aren't supposed to be together. Some of the greatest things are not supposed to happen, as ironic as it sounds. I guess I'll always ask myself what would've happened if the timing was right, if we were right for each other.

If one thing had been different would everything be different today?

-L

november

There's this Taylor Swift song in folklore I'm addicted to these days, her songs are always an emotional life saver to me. I took "august" and adjusted it to a bittersweet experience I had. One of the reasons I've always loved her music is because it describes a great part of my life, and this is not an exception. 

Tuesday, and the rust on my door

I never needed anything more
Whispers of "Are you sure?"
"Never have I ever before"

But I can see us lost in the memory
November slipped away into a moment in time
'Cause it was never mine
And I can see us twisted in bedsheets
November sipped away like a bottle of wine
'Cause you were never mine

Your back beneath the purple light
Wishin' I could write my name on it
Will you call when you're back home?
I remember thinkin' I had you

But I can see us lost in the memory
November slipped away into a moment in time
'Cause it was never mine
And I can see us twisted in bedsheets
November sipped away like a bottle of wine
'Cause you were never mine

Back when we were still changin' for the better
Wanting was enough
For me, it was enough
To live for the hope of it all
Cancel plans just in case you'd call
And say, "Meet me behind the mall"
So much for summer love and saying "us"
'Cause you weren't mine to lose
You weren't mine to lose, no

But I can see us lost in the memory
November slipped away into a moment in time 
'Cause it was never mine
And I can see us twisted in bedsheets
November sipped away like a bottle of wine

'Cause you were never mine
'Cause you were never mine, never mine

Do you remember?

Remember when I pulled up and said, "Come to my place"
And then canceled my plans just in case you'd call?
Back when I was livin' for the hope of it all, for the hope of it all
"Meet me behind the mall"

Remember when I pulled up and said, "Come to my place"

And then canceled my plans just in case you'd call?

Back when I was livin' for the hope of it all (For the hope of it all)

For the hope of it all
For the hope of it all
(For the hope of it all)

(For the hope of it all)

171120                                                      

-L

Sincerity

In the past few hours, I've been thinking about sincerity. It may seem stupid but today, I had a conversation with a friend who told me to thank a guy for being "sincere" with me, even when he was telling me that I was a friend to him but, nevertheless, he wanted to hook up with me. Many people don't have trouble with this, but I find it so fucking offensive when men don't want to have a decent bit of commitment but they want to enjoy you, your body and your time. I am so freaking pissed in this moment. Should I really thank for that shit? Because I think I shouldn't, and off course, I'm not gonna do it. 

As a person who takes feelings as a serious matter, I really wonder why people these days don't value other people. Many folks who read this are probably going to say "no one is obliged to like you or be with you", and that's right. But don't you become tired of giving your best and trying so hard for people who don't give a single fuck about you? If you knew from the beginning that they don't care, it would be okay, but why do men have to keep the limits blurred and not talk clearly about the true intentions they have with you until you ask them directly? The worst thing about it is that even if you're mad, you try to seek some explanations about their behaviour towards you, and you do it in a good way but they end up telling you you're "exaggerated"... But no, they can't be exaggerated, they're very calm playing some fucking stupid PS4 video game while you're waiting for a decent answer. Let's remember that men can't be exaggerated, ladies, that's only reserved to us as women, everything we do is exaggerated and calculated.

And you know what's even worse? That you even get to the point of contemplating to give in in order to make things work and they take advantage of that and they ignore you as if you were any kind of fly on the wall, nothing important for them. Though, at least, that's coherent with the "sincerity" they expressed in their words. 

Today, I learned that if you have a classmate you don't like, it should stay like that. Don't make peace with someone you didn't trust at first... it can become something godforsaken stupid like this.

I'm sure that if the guy I'm addressing ever reads this, he's not gonna like it... but I'm showing him how I truly feel and that's what is called sincerity. 

-L

Giving love magnifies you... even if others don't appreciate it

 

I would be lying if I say that I have never complained about having wasted my love on someone who didn't deserve it. Of course I did, and I've also heard some of my friends and many strangers on the internet complaining about the same reason. Many quotes on Pinterest say that you deserve what you give others, but we all know that most times life isn't like that. Most times, life just won't give you back what you expect.

When we are in love, we usually think that we want to make the other person happy, that's why we give some intangible but no less important presents such as time, affection, and most important: commitment. We give those because we want, because the other person is important to us and they make us feel loved. Hence, we want to make them feel loved as well. 

BUT...

What happens when they dump you? What happens when they commit a mistake that makes it impossible for you to accept any apologies later on? First, you don't believe it. Then, you feel deceived... and then hatred joins the bunch of emotions and feelings you have been experienced since the other person decided to leave with vacuous explanations, or worse, leaving without having any decency or respect towards you, the time you shared, and the hopes they gave you.

Many people talk about closing cycles as if it was something easy to do, but sometimes, life won't give you the closure that you want. You can never know a person completely, and the person you once loved can suddenly change and they aren't probably going to have the guts or decency to say sorry for what they did and and give you a chance to say good bye before leaving. They usually just leave real quick amidst pure cowardice, leaving you undone. 

I know firsthand what it is to feel like that, what it is to feel your love was wasted and taken for granted. You might think from time to time that all the time, affection and commitment you gave them is a crumpled up piece of paper in this moment... and it might be for them, but you shouldn't let that make you feel like less of a human being.

It took me some time to understand this: even if a person took your love for granted and deceived you, the love that you so selflessly gave is always going to magnify you, and the fact that you were capable to love another human being in that way should make you feel valuable and special. I learned that you will never be enough for some people... but you can be enough for you and the people who truly love you without being so hard on yourself and trying so hard to impress.

I just hope these words can help you feel better, 'cause you are amazing and worthy of love. I hope someday you find a Lover who values you, deserves you and appreciates you for everything you are. I hope you remember these words when you are in a dark place, thinking you're not enough. 

-L

Friendships can cause heartbreaks too

 

"Letting go of a friendship doesn't mean it wasn't beautiful" -Sam Brown

So once again, that moment when another friendship ends comes to your life, and you ask yourself why. Maybe I was mean with my friend during an argument? Or maybe he or she just found a better friend? These days, one of the most common advices one can hear is "don't get attached to people", and it's a good advice, I mean, it is very practical and it can help you avoid tons of stress. However... is it easy to follow that advice? 

Most of us are looking for love and acceptance, even if we don't admit it. The unconditional love of a friend is something so beautiful that it only adds joy to your life, but what happens when you literally feel that that friendship is coming to an end? In this moment of my life, I could say that many people who once were very good friends of mine, are now complete strangers. Is it bad? No, that's life. Does it feel shitty when you think about it? Yes, it does. We are used to see people who still have the same best friend since they were in school, or even before, if you're one of those people, let me tell you you're lucky. 

I remember that approximately six years ago, I had a very strong argument with my best friend from that time and our friendship just ended so abruptly... Now that I look back, I think I was too harsh with her, now we talk from time to time, but you know... some things will never be the same. Since that moment, I decided that I would never have a best friend again, just friends and that's it. 

However, I've had a friend since 2013 who has been such a special person to me. Our friendship has gone through all stages: having the same tastes in music, in food, and even in men; which led to a lot of stupid decisions that almost ended our friendship, or I would say; that ended our friendship for some time. We went from being at each other's side in class, in the library and everywhere to almost hating each other after a guy who is such a piece of shit. After hating each other, life just took a 180 degree turn and we ended up talking again and seeing each other a couple of times. We apologized to each other and life continued, but we have changed so much. I wish we could still hang out with each other, but what can you do if that friend prefers other people over you and publicly supports them but there's nothing for you? What do you do if that friend only answers your messages with a frivolous "hahaha" and doesn't talk to you even though you know she's on her phone everyday all day? And what do you do if you know you're the only one trying to reach out? When those feelings are overwhelming, you already know that something's broken between you two... and it's hard to face it, but when you do it, everything becomes clearer and you know what you have to do next... 

I don't want to be clingy, every person has their personal space... but I've always thought you deserve the same amount of love you give. If it doesn't come back after you try and try, it's time to let go... Everything goes back to the advice I wrote at the beginning... it's practical, but is it easy to follow? These days, I just came to the conclusion that friendships can cause heartbreaks too.

People come and go, but only a few ones will stay.

-L

Heartbreak is the national anthem, we sing it proudly

Since we are young, we are taught that heartbreaks are the worst thing that can happen to us. We see it in soap operas, movies, etc. Usually, it is the woman who has to carry with all the emotional stuff that a heartbreak brings. I am not saying that men don't suffer, of course they do, but to be honest, I've seen way more women suffering from a heartbreak than men. Heartbreaks are horrible, I'm not saying anything new. Isn't it horrible when you trust someone with all your heart and they leave as if nothing had happened? Or isn't it so shitty when you see the one you once loved so happy with someone they chose over you? (Even uglier, hehe). 

It's awful to see how many beautiful and amazing women cry and suffer over immature guys who don't even know what they want in life, and there was a time when I was one of those girls. If you are going through a heartbreak, I know how terrible it is, and how is it to feel unappreciated, disrespected and disappointed, let alone sad and angry because you know you never deserved that kind of treatment. It is even worse when you're crying and your soul feels devastated while the jerk is playing around with some ...girls. Or he's just playing videogames while you are in your bed trying to process everything or just trying to get distracted from all the crap they gave you. To all these women, I only have to say something: I understand you. It may not be something big or something important, but when we're going through those moments, we just want to be heard and understood. 

I don't know if many people will read this, but in case you do, I have a nice heartbreak playlist for you, which I divided in two parts: the red moments and the firework moments. The red moments are the ones where you experience grief, devastation and pure sadness. The latter, are the ones where you feel you're finally clean and understand that actually, God made you a favor by removing that toxic piece of shit of your life. 

For the red moments:

All Too Well - Taylor Swift

I'm Not The Only One - Sam Smith

If I Were a Boy - Beyoncé

Take a Bow - Rihanna

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

For the firework moments:

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together - Taylor Swift

Don't Start Now - Dua Lipa

Tusa - Karol G, Nicki Minaj

Part of Me - Katy Perry

New Romantics - Taylor Swift

If you've read until this point, I thank you for that and I hope you feel better or at least you've had some fun reading my thoughts. I just know that everything happens for a reason, and that actually, freedom is disguised in a heartbreak, that's the meaning I've found in heartbreak after some time... as my beloved Taylor Swift says: "heartbreak is the national anthem, we sing it proudly".

Pd: The best people in life are free.

L 

Celebrations

There have been many times in my life when I ask myself if the things I do are just as valuable as everyone else's. Those who know me are aware of my passion to work hard, to stand out, to try to give my best in everything I do. One year ago, I was graduating from college and years before, I used to think that that day was gonna be one of the best of my life, but ironically, it ended being such a blue day. 

What do you do if every single time someone asks you about your birthdays, Christmases or special days, you mostly have bad memories or no memories at all because your loved ones don't consider your achievements as special? What if you think about those days and still feel somehow saddened by that? What if everytime you see someone happily celebrating their birthdays and those special dates I mentioned above, you feel like no one cares about yours? 

I know that one shouldn't live life thinking about pleasing others or doing things for other people's sake. But wouldn't it be nice if someone made you feel special on those days and tell you warm words like "you did well", "you are amazing" or "you were able to overcome this"? I'm gonna turn 25 in less than three months, and I still don't know how it feels to have a surprise party, or how it feels to have your friends coming home to tell you "Happy birthday". I feel like I'm always celebrating others, like I'm always going to other's places to celebrate or spend time, but no one ever comes my way to cheer me up or to say hello when something good happens in my life. However, I hope it can change. I honestly don't want to spend more "special" days at home, alone and staring at the ceiling. 

If you have read everything so far, thank you so much. This is not a happy post but I know some people could feel identified with the feeling I'm trying to describe here. 

L